There was this woman when I was 10. She was so amazing, so full of live, a beautiful and mysterious story-teller - the perfect mother. I wanted to save her life, I wanted to have that one-in-a-life opportunity to do something great to her so that she would always be thankful to that little girl. That was my only way of saying "You are important to me." and showing her I really meant that. I wanted to find out more about that human being, about what was inside that head. There was nothing sexual about that, even though one could probably have thought that. Even then there was some sort of obsession, a desire to follow every step of hers. It would make me feel complete... I had so much to say. I'm sure I must have become the "weird one" in many conversations from those I once considered as my friends. Why does love have to be standardized? I have already loved teachers, singers, internet people, boys, girls. People are cruel, little girls are cruel. Why did they have to follow me all the time at the fifth grade? Why were they popular for disrespecting people and laughing on them? Why did they make me feel so weak, so small? I wanted to make them suffer, I wanted to laugh on them in that same violent tone and destroy each one of their dreams. I could not do it, I was alone, I would only cry. Shit! I had done nothing wrong. Many things happened during that time, even though I can't exactly rememebr them. I saw a video of myself some days I go. I was a small child. I was so surprised when I saw it... I was an extrovert, I was happy, I was proud of myself, I would just sing and dance in front of that "small hole" of the camera. Something definetely happened to me when I was still a child. People, disgusting people, they should not exist. If there is something I would never accept from a child of mine is cruelty and disrespect towards other people, no matter how different they might be. It hurts, it really hurts. But there were good things... there was my mind, there was my imagination, there was my little big secret that would take me to a different place and bring me all the happiness I needed. I was innocent, I would watch cartoons while doing those things no one else could see. Then there was that singer who said "and I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore" and told me "don't slide". She would soon become happy, and boring. But I met this religious fanatic pedophilian man on the Net who would make me feel so proud of myself. I wanted desperately to have sex with him under a beautiful tree on a rainy day. I loved him, I told him everything that was on my mind, he would talk to me from hours and try to convince me to pray, be a virgin until I got married and eat only what God allowed while he would tell me all sorts of obcenities. He probably regreted that and treated me like a stone. I kept desiring those obcenities for more than one year. I wanted to make him change again, I wanted that man I once loved. He was there on my mind, at every place I went, on every image I saw. You know, he "loved" me, but he couldn't be with me. He was a son of a bitch, one of the worst men I have ever known. He would not hit woman, but he would hit them psychologically with such sado-masochist games: "I really love you, but my culture does not allow me to be with you, I have always told you that, I wanted to fuck you, but I told you I could not be with you". What a cheap Don Juan. I was 13 when this all began. Thanks God I have never met that man. I grew up, I became a little bit normal, I met my boyfriend, the exact opposite of the first man I loved: a caring and respectful person. I am not alone anymore. I have found out that my little big secret was also everyone's secret, but mine was only mine, even though it lost that innocence from the old times. A teacher, a singer, a girl or a friend sometimes invade my mind in a not so innocent way anymore. I would probably never put it into practice, they are only characters from my mind, but I don not feel weak, ashamed or confused anymore. I am absolutely satisfied with all the weirdness my brain is able to create and I really want to understand it more and more each day.

PS: Texto pessoal, não sai na minha língua.